Announcement, Anxiety, creative writing

Storytime and a big reveal

Sorry I went AWOL

It has been a good few weeks since we last connected while I missed you all dearly, you will be much more understanding of the reason why much later in this entry so keep reading…

I wanted to give you a little back story first of where I was, where I have been and where I am right at this beautiful moment so around this time a year ago I had a normal 9 to 5 job while pursuing my degree in Financial Accounting Sciences as we all know juggling school plus work is an extreme exercise however for me, I was much more happier with my studying while work on the other hand was devastating to a point where by I thought about quitting a couple of times. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had to have that job because there are a lot of things I managed to do for myself while I was still there although I was unhappy and at the brink of my anxiety I was able to provide for myself.

I would drag myself out of bed every morning and look forward to knock off time when I have just arrived at the office. I cannot tell you how many times I actually used to go to the bathroom to cry and then pull myself together go back to my desk to serve the clients as if nothing had just happened, they say fake it until you make it right? I used to appreciate the weekend so much I didn’t want it to end this was the type of life I was living. A bubble full of heavy emotions ready to just burst but on days when I felt like not showing up I remembered why I was there and what I still need to achieve so I had no option but to keep going. The actual work was great, it was the environment, its culture and certain people who made the job unbearable. God bless my sister for always listening to me complain and vent every evening when I got home without actually getting tired of my pointless work drama, she was clued up on everything you would swear she worked there.

I really needed someone to share the load with and I had that in her also in my boyfriend, they knew my struggle and walked me through it. Fast forward to December when I lost the job and allow me to say that is the best thing that has happened to me, the relief I felt the first few weeks I was home were absolutely blissful even though there was a question of what I was going to do next now that I was without a job meaning I had no monthly income, it was about to be challenging but like I always tell my mom; God always provides because he promised that he will never forsake us. Things were tough but I do not remember a night where I went to bed hungry or when I have lacked the basic necessities for that I will be eternally grateful.

Earlier this year while I was doing my daily social media check in and updates I received an online business opportunity from one of my Instagram followers (A lovely lady she is) which needed no money for you to get started and i took advantage of it because I needed to have an income, it was hard at first but once I got my first customer more started to come for once I enjoyed the pleasure of being my own boss, working my own hours and setting my own pay. There are still a few things that I want to achieve in the business along with growing my team but so far the journey has been amazing this was all after I started this blog which has been doing very well all thanks to all of you. From being that miserable person with a 9 to 5 who was not happy with her job I became an independent and much more stable person. I also started my journey as a brand influencer which is a lot of work but is so much fun to do and it pays well also gets you amazing products to try out, it is more play than it is work but it is definitely a job therefore I treat it as such.

In the midst of all this and working on my anxiety, I am very happy and content with where i am right now. That brings me to the end of story time now moving on to the BIG REVEAL

I have been working on a project which is my first big one and I could not be more proud of myself. In the past few months or weeks that I have not been working on this platform regularly I have been writing a book which I am happy to announce that will be in store on the 31st of July 2020 (save the date). It is a non-fiction and semi fiction book titled ; She lives to conquer: Always fight to win and it is now available to pre-order on Amazon.

To find out more about the book you can visit my new website and to get updates about the release or future projects. So if you have been looking for a new read you just got one-you are welcome.

I will pop in more often to post but it might not be as often because I am still working hard for the bok release. I hope you are still staying safe and taking all necessary precautions for your health.

Thank you for always showing me love and support.

Lots of Love

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Unmet expectations

One sided relationships

I’ve never really understood the people who will come into your life disturb your peace and initiate a relationship with you then go all cold turkey on you. They open up this whole new door of endless possibilities and make promises to you that they later fail to keep.

A person will drive you into thinking that they can give you all the happiness in the world only for them to be the greatest part of your misery. Do they understand how hard it is for a person with emotional trauma to open up and allow themselves to feel something for somebody else?

How the thought of them being heartbroken everytime they are involved with someone keeps them up at night? Or the fact that they keep repeating the same prayer to themselves everytime saying “Please Lord, do not let this one hurt me too”.

What comes over someone to even start something as big as a relationship with no intentions of doing the ground work and going all the way. A person will come putting up appearances acting as though they are ready to give you the best kind of love but they are only using all that sweetness as bait to lure you into the trap “relationship” and once you are in, out comes the real villain to show you what you are really in for.

There is nothing more difficult than trying to love someone harder with the hopes of them to changing, for them to love you as they said they would, pay attention to you like they promised to, care for you like a lover should.

Not broken just bent

Now you realize that you fell in love with the person they thought you wanted but now you are stuck with a person you could have never fell for, in the first place. And their love is out of reach, you start thinking about how you have yourself to blame for being naive enough to think someone will ever love you forever.

You start beating yourself up and fighting with parts of yourself that convinced you to tear your walls down because when are you ever going to learn? When will you understand that until they show you and deliver on their word you have to keep your guard up?

I hate it when that happens, I hate it when a person feels it’s okay to waltz into your life help you break down walls that took years to built then walk right back out because they cannot handle what is waiting on the other side.

I know you say “hurt people hurt people” but why do they always have to hurt the ones who have been through the depths of pain and healed. Why do they have to hurt the ones not emotionally strong enough to handle the neglect and lack of affection? Why can’t they work on parts of themselves that makes them feel like it is normal to hurt the ones you claim to love.

They are able to start the fire but when the flames start rising they run the other direction. Do not disturb me or even try to start shit with me if you know you can’t love me right. When you know you are still fighting demons that always propel you to run and hide when someone confronts them.

Do not promise me the whole river to drink when you yourself have not even a drop of water to drink. In simpler words do not start something you will not be willing to finish.

It is not fair to yourself self but most importantly it is not fair to the next person. For you to hurt them by trying to show them that you can love.

Anxiety

Overcoming body image issues.

BODY IMAGE

As I am about to step out of the house for my lunch date with my only girlfriend I open the closet to see what cute outfit is worthy of the occasion, Leticia rudely interrupts me as usual telling me that my favorite outfit makes me look FAT but this time instead of being disappointed and taking what she has to say to heart I take a look at myself in the mirror and gush at how beautiful I am. You see I have had a problem with my body image before because of Leticia (my anxiety) and also because of people around me, you know those harmless comments you make about someone’s weight? yeah those just refrain from commenting on that especially to people like myself who suffer from mental health issues.

I can count the times when I was told that I am too skinny by my family and friends that I need to put on some weight because It will be good for my image, this made me feel like there was something wrong with how I look and maybe I am not good enough to wear certain outfits as they require a little more meat which I did not have. When I did finally put on some weight I started getting the “OMG you are gaining weight what are you eating?” or “OMG you are gaining weight are you pregnant” remarks , now I am stuck here confused as to what exactly is expected of me. Honestly can you guys make up your minds how do you want me to look? How is about everyone just let me be? I just wanted to feel good about myself and just wear outfits that I love. Do you know how hard it is to feel pretty and actually be comfortable in your own skin when everyone else tells you otherwise and your mind is convincing you otherwise.

This led me to hate taking full pictures of myself because all I saw was flaws and all the reasons why the outfit looked wrong on me. It made me feel like everyone else can tell too although for a woman my age and height my body is just the right build and size. I used to be a size 32 and now I am a size 36. I have never been more comfortable with my body as I am now not even my anxiety can convince me otherwise if anything I have gained the confidence to strut my stuff. In a world that has made body shaming a norm I have decided to shut down the naysayers and focus on what is good for my mental health and self esteem.

STOP BODY SHAMING

It is heart breaking to see how people are okay with attacking others based on how they look and make fun of them, the issue of body image and weight is a very sensitive one because there are a lot of factors contributing to it. Sometimes it is beyond a person going to gym or eating right, other people put on or lose weight due to health reasons which are not in their control and they try hard to live with that and be okay with how they look without the pressure of everyone expecting them to look like they have just walked out of a magazine cover. We are tired of people telling us that we have to look a certain way or dress a particular way because of how our bodies look, according to who?

Since when do we have to ask for permission to look how we want? Who has made you in charge of body image affairs that makes you worthy of criticizing people. The world is already going through so much cruelty we will not add body shaming to the list of all the wrong that is in the world. The best way to start is to adopt the culture of “If you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all” , we need a whole lot of positive vibes and kindness to keep us sane during all the chaos that we are going through.

SELF CONFIDENCE IS KEY

It takes too much courage to overcome the lack of self-esteem and self confidence and if you are doing this or have done so keep it up, give yourself the credit you deserve because this is not a fight with only the negative comments but also a fight with part of yourself that needs more loving and nurturing. A part of you that is lost in a dark place trying to fight its way back to the surface to receive light and when it does you get a new sense of understanding of who you are and the importance of self love, being comfortable in your skin and completely in love with your flaws.

You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and know that it is okay not to feel so confident sometimes because we all have our mental days but what is not okay is being in that state of mind permanently. Gone are the days where we seek validation and approval from people about who we are, now we stand tall and ignore all the noise because we know we are worthy and that we are incredible with all our flaws. Work on your inner self and love yourself so much that no one can ever change your mind about how you see yourself it doesn’t matter if you are too skinny or too fat or out of shape your body is a work of art by the creator and deserves to be glorified.

I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and being able to overcome my body image issues even through anxiety I have learnt to love myself all over again all it took was accepting things about myself that I thought I hated, things that made me different from everyone else. I realized that these are the things that I needed to love more as they are what makes me unique, they identify who I am from the rest of the pack. DIFFERENT is good in fact it is better, no one is like you and that is your superpower.

Be kind to yourself and be even more kind to other people because we are all going through things you know nothing about. Do not be the reason someone is locked up in misery because of something you said.

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ANNOUNCING MY DEBUT BOOK

Going into Women’s month I decided to do it in style by launching my debut book titled “She lives To Conquer” which is a first of many projects for me as an author. Writing this book was a beautiful experience because it gave me an opportunity to share a part of me with the world but also gave me an opportunity to pass on a message of hope to a world of readers out there.

She lives to conquer is a novel about a young lady growing up in a South African township, the book explores her struggles with poverty, mental health, a loss of a loved one, friendship, relationships and an overview of what it feels like being a Black woman living in South Africa. I am hoping to use it as a tool to open up and create spaces to have the most uncomfortable conversations that are pertaining to women and their struggles, conversations which are being avoided or rather ignored because no one is brave enough to face them.

NEW RELEASE

This book is not only based on fiction, but it includes real events that transpired in my own life that I felt the rest of the world could learn from and relate to. I had to make it about the reader and not only about myself, I wanted everyone to recognize parts of themselves as they flip through the pages and understand that they are not the only ones facing certain circumstances in life and it is okay to go through tough times but we do not have to find a place and reside there permanently.

I have received a few questions from the PR team that they thought would be of interest to you with regards to the book which I agreed to answer in this post.

QUESTIONS:

1.What is the meaning of the book title?

2. Who is your favorite character in the book?

3. How long was the writing process for this book?

4. What was the most difficult part about writing the book?

5. Why did you choose this book cover specifically?

RESPONSES:

1. She lives to conquer explains the power of a woman and her ability to over come all obstacles in life.

2. My favorite character is Samkelo who is Princess’s best friend, I love her specifically because of her selfless attitude and her free spirit. She always makes the best out of life and has a lot of love to give; I see parts of myself in her.

3. The overall process of publishing this book was more or less 4 months.

4. The most difficult part was consistency and coming up with characters which would fit into the story line without changing the whole narrative.

5. When it came to creating the cover, the most important part was getting something that would help sell the story before the person even starts reading the book. Something to compliment the title and when I saw a picture of a rose blossoming on snow next to a train track , I was immediately sold as that was a visual representation of rising through your challenges regardless of the environment you find yourself in.

I had a lot of fun creating this book and I hope my readers will fall in love with the story when they finally get to read it.

With that in mind I believe we can all benefit from reading this book, which is available from the following digital retailers, some of which offer a preview:

To stay updated about the book or more of my projects you can subscribe to my website or follow my author page on Instagram.

That is it from me for today/

lo

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A state of mind…

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the words “happiness is a state of mind” and I believe we have all read or heard these profound words somewhere before but what do they really mean? How about we take a moment to actually dissect this statement for the enlightenment of all parties involved. We first need to find the meaning of happiness and understand being happy means to each of us on a personal level. According to my observation not everyone classifies their happiness in the same category.

For an instance a friend of mine believes that she is at her happiest when there is food involved or a cousin of mine who is extremely happy when they have money to spend and then there is a colleague who is happy when they are around family, you see all of this is personal and identifies to each individual at their own level. Now it is safe to assume that these people believe if any of the aforementioned things are not existent in their lives there is a chance that thy might not be happy. This is where the mind comes in, there is a lot of other things in their lives that more or less contribute to their overall emotional wellbeing but because they have convinced themselves that this is where their happiness lies they roll with it.

It took me a long time to understand this concept but once I sat down with my thought I began to recognize a few patterns in my life, for starters, I used to be part of the group of people that hats Mondays because let’s face it they suck right? not precisely we just like to think that way and we have most of our lives.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with Mondays and they are like any other day of the week except of course that they rudely interrupt our weekends, once I started waking up with the mentality that “today is going to be a good day and the start of a really great week” everything changed for me and Mondays for me are not as horrible anymore. I honestly think that if you say something to yourself over and over again you end up believing it to be true even when it is not hence why I say happiness is indeed a state of mind.

I get why therapists would advice us to keep only happy thoughts or positive thoughts because that energy just rubs off all the aspects of our lives, it keeps us in good spirits and makes us less miserable. obviously not everyday is a great day because of the few minutes or hours that are sometimes too trying to be happy moments this is when we are allowed to take a time out and dwell in the moment of our unhappiness but after that we need to get our head back in the game and keep moving. Try starting your days with positive daily mantras to set the tone and see how much more bearable your days are.

I do not want to sound like a therapist or anything but do keep the positive thoughts and train your mind to see the silver lining in everything. More happiness and less worrying, there is no need to be miserable over things we cannot change therefore why not focus on all the good that is in the world instead. Put a stop to any negative thought that pops in your mind from time to time and tell yourself that there is no room for bad vibes in your day. Everything feels so much better when you have peace of mind.

Let us find those daily mantras , reasons to be happy and positive thoughts for the betterment of ourselves. In that same spirit remember that you are loved, needed, important and special.

And hey remember “all good vibes”

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The haunting pain

I refuse to live with it but I still feel it
The pain that comes with leading this life of total chaos
My heart bleeds from days I cannot speak about
Things that I never want to think about
I refuse to live with it but I still feel it
The hurt that comes from scars I got the time I stumbled and fell
The nights where I went to sleep at night with tears in my eyes or the times I had to act like there was no pain in my heart
I refuse to live with it but I still feel it
The burning sensation of tears in my eyes coming from the heaviness I carry around
The burden of this hard knock life has me wondering if I will ever be alright
I refuse to live with it but I still feel it
The uncertainty that comes with the thoughts of whether tomorrow will be a better day
I know that I used to pray and I always keep the faith but why do I keep feeling this pain?
All of this is draining me away but I still refuse to live with it although I still feel it
The never ending burden of this hard knock life.

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Making the best of life in isolation

Too much has happened this year and we are only halfway through it; I feel like we went to sleep one night and woke up to the first six months gone. There is no denying that this time has been difficult for everyone all over the world but the hardest part is we do not know where to from here and if things are going to get better or worse therefore we prayer for the best. We are hopeful that soon everything will go back to normal although we understand that it will never be the same again, we still want to hold on to a bit of what used to be our life.

Who can blame us for wanting that? I miss the feeling of being outside and breathing in fresh air while admiring the beauty of nature but mostly I miss the days when walking out of your house to go to the mall was not a health risk. I am not particularly an outgoing person, but I do miss the few times that I could convince myself to go out and be with other people. During this lockdown period I have managed to control my anxiety, and this is what I wanted to share with you today. A few months back when I started this blog, I was suffering from major anxiety attacks and my emotions were always on a roller coaster whereby I would have really high highs and very low lows there was never in between. I felt like I had no control over myself and as if Leticia had finally won.

You see Leticia has always been bossy and has made me miserable most of my life but the last few months she was just on a whole other level, she kept stepping it up and I just gave in to the self-doubt, breakdowns and fear. I behaved as if I was enslaved by her, but I was only standing in the way of myself getting better. I wanted to be better and to do better but I did know where to start or how do that until one morning I started writing my book. I know you are probably confused; you see when I have nothing to do, I have enough time on my hands to worry, overthink, and self-criticize. Now I had something else to do, something I am very passionate about, when writing I enter a whole new world. A world where I feel like myself and a world where anything is possible then for a change, I think about something other than myself. I think about the people, places, and plots in my head and when I use my imagination there is no room for worry. Obviously writing a novel takes a lot of time and focus that is all it took along with lots of herbal tea plus meditation.

Crystals

I feel great again and I feel like Leticia still stops by once in a while but not as often anymore because now I have new friends, my beautiful tumbled stones, why didn’t anyone tell me how having crystals could change your life? They are beyond amazing. I began my collection with three an Aquamarine, a Jet stone and a Charoite, they have been a great use for meditation, attracting positive energy, keeping me in a calm state of mind and has helped with my insomnia as well. I have now ordered stones more to add to my newly found obsession. This is how I have been keeping myself occupied with all of the time that I have on my hands.

IG

I even took on a little project of redoing my Instagram feed to work on my aesthetics because as brand you have to represent yourself well for your brand and following to grow. I am having fun trying to create different flat lays since they are the in thing now but let me also point out that  content creation is difficult, there is so much work that you need to put it first you need to prepare for the kind of content you want to create, capture the pictures, edit them to fit in to your existing feed, plan your posts ahead and make sure you follow your schedule. All of this done on a weekly basis is tiresome but very rewarding and once you get a hang of the basics you learn to enjoy what you are doing. We all know how social media presence is a big deal lately that is why I have been working hard to make an impression that will last with the networks, I am creating for myself as a brand and on a personal level. Hence I will be doing a live session on Instagram on the 7th of August 2020 as I will be launching my new book “She lives to conquer” which is now available on Amazon.

This is also why I will be featured on BARE a blog which gives a voice to Black women from all walks of life by a fellow proud black and talented woman on the 14th of August 2020 in celebration of Women’s month, I am excited to be part of this initiative because it celebrates the power of being a woman and not only is it about that but also about empowerment and fellow sisters uplifting each other. I hope that you will check it out and I will be sure to share the link with you as soon as the blog post is up or you can just follow BARE to get it in real-time.

I agree that times are tough, but I have found ways on how to make the best out of the situation at hand and so far, I have to say I keep winning. I have completed a lot of projects this year than I have in my entire adult life and I am very proud. Leticia and I are not exactly on speaking terms at the moment and I have to admit that I am okay with that because for once in my life I look good and actually do feel good.

I am back with regular blog updates and I sure did miss you. Speak again soon until then stay home, stay positive but most importantly stay safe.

Love and light to you and yours

XX

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A woman’s plea

If we are going to die let it not be at the hands of men, anymore
Do not let them take us anymore
Do not let our last breath be spent uttering the words “please do not kill me”
Do not let our final moments be at the mercy of men for our cries will be in vain
Somebody please come and save us we do not want to be killed anymore
We have seen our fellow sisters, heard their cries and mourned their deaths and with each day we fight a losing battle begging for our lives not to be taken anymore
If we are going to die let in not be in vain and through pain
Please do not let our families be left with trauma and remember us from horrific crime scenes which are supposed to be our deathbeds
Do not them take us we want to live
We have destinies to fulfil and stories to tell but who will do so if we are not here anymore
Somebody please hear us and protect us we are not safe anymore
If we are going to die do not let our final moments be with tears in our eyes and our mouths dried out from screams begging for our lives
Let it not be after our dignity has been taken away and our bodies inflicted with pain
Please we do not want to die anymore
Somebody please protect us we cannot continue to die anymore
If we are to die let it be because of the creators will or because our time on this earth has ended but let it not be because men took our chance to live

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Lockdown Chronicles-Part 4

It is natural for you to feel neglected especially after 3 weeks without any attention or communication whatsoever, I know I would too. First of all let me apologize for going MIA, but I can promise you that it has been with good reason that I couldn’t update the blog on a weekly basis as I should. Also the fact that you are receiving this segment of my life in lockdown mode 2 weeks later, all I can say is that life has been hectic in terms of academics and business.

As students we have found ourselves introduced to a new and almost unconventional way of learning whereby everything we have known and are familiar with had to change, we are not expected to take classes virtually from the comfort of our own homes but the most challenging part for me is the fact that we will be taking our exams online and unsupervised. This method of assessment is new to me and has proved to be a bit challenging compared to the traditional way of written exams, my biggest concern is how anxious i have become just from the thought of these exams because I am not certain if i can handle the pressure and stay focused.

Therefore what has been going on is I have had to take time off from my writing and put a stop to all of my projects so that i can focus all of my energy and concentration on adapting to online learning while challenging myself mentally to be able to handle not only the pressure but to ground myself to a level where i am not too anxious to get through this phase of academic life. I have been struggling to maximize profits for my online business as most people have taken financial strain during this pandemic which is another thing I have been working on, trying to find new ways to generate leads and make sales.

Besides the things that have kept me busy I am doing well and my mental health hasn’t taken a rollercoaster ride in a while now. I am grateful for the support my family, friends and partner have given me during this time because their strength always keeps me going.

I know we are all going through something during this pandemic but remember to keep the faith and know that you are not alone we are in this together. Be kind to yourself and know that this too shall pass.

I don’t know when I will be able to post again or be back on schedule but when I do you’ll be the first to know.

Love and Light to you and yours. xx