A sweet too many

After living with anxiety for as long as i have, you become a big fan of researching ways and tips or anything to help you alleviate the number of attacks you have in a day.

It has proven to be fruitful a lot of times and every time I realize that some of my habits are contributing to my feelings of anxiety being worse.

I know many of you like myself have a sweet tooth and can’t stay away from the little guilty pleasures and reaching for that candy bowl every time we feel a little stressed or what i like to call “off balance”.

Now think about how you’d feel if you were about to reach for your favorite piece of chocolate and you can almost feel the texture of it in your mouth plus your taste buds bursting with flavor.

And then someone hits your hand stopping you from taking it. Pathetic right? That is exactly how i felt when i was told consuming excessive amount of sugar is adding onto to why i am forever in a permanent state of worry.

I thought one or two sweets a day won’t do much harm but it was never all I ate as I’d always reach for more. I probably do go overboard with jelly beans and chocolate.

This clarifies why you’d feel even more tense and find yourself shaking a lot. Excessive intake of sugar does not cause anxiety but it is known to worsen the symptoms.

It impairs your body’s response to stress and how you cope with stress. Increases fatigue and difficulty thinking which is why you are always tired and your mind is wandering all over the place.

What a bummer, I know but if I were to choose between a truck load full of candy and my mental health.

As much as I’d to have the candy, I’ll have to choose the latter. It is taking a bit of practice cutting down on sweet treats, since I am a “stress-eater” nonetheless I making progress.

I used to find comfort in chocolate, candy and gum but lately I am friends with yogurt and grapes turns out I do love something else besides “Bar one”.

For as long as I had little sugar or no sugar at all my symptoms were not that bad in a day. Along side Chamomile tea, breathing exercises and meditation this has been helpful.

I can concentrate for a moment and think a little more clearly which we all know how important it is for us writers.

If you are a chocoholic and love sweets like myself, you better take it easy the next time you reach for that jar or try eating some fruits for a change. A clear mind means clear thinking

It will not make your anxiety go away but it will at least lessen how bad your attacks are.

Another day yet another anxiety attack

The walls seem to be closing in and it is getting darker and darker around me.
I reach for my throat and then my chest because I am losing control, control of my entire body.
The lump sitting on my throat keeps getting bigger and the pain on my chest is so intense I can almost feel it at the pit of my stomach
I haven’t been here in a while and today new feelings have been added to the mix
I was just laying here caught up in the usual state of overthinking when suddenly my heart was racing as if it wanted to leave my chest then everything started to be a bit blur.
I am not sure from the dizziness or the tears streaming down my cheeks. But at this point I can’t tell.

Trying so hard to focus on my breathing and figure out the reason i am weeping because nothing happened.

It is another one of those days, i am having a moment but a much more stressful one.

I knew this was coming for i woke up very irritable and stayed in bed with no light around me because I don’t want to see anyone or anything around me.

My phone kept going on so i just put it on DND and threw it under my pillow so i can hide from all of the people trying to reach me.

And then the attack hit much harder than it normally would.
Today i am experiencing dizziness, shortness of breath, chest pain, extreme sadness and irritability.
All of which I’ve never experienced together before.

All i can do is cover my head with a pillow and cry.

I don’t know if it will get better.

Nobody cares

“I am doing fine

How many times have you cried yourself to sleep but had to wake up the next morning and put up a poker face for the rest of the world because nobody cares if you are hurting?

Or when you locked yourself in the bathroom at the office to pull yourself together when you were having a moment and no one noticed as everyone is getting their job done and minding their own business.

I know you have had so many breakdowns in the mist of people but it was as if you were invisible.

Our people have developed a habit of simply asking “how are you?” not because they care about the response you are going to give but for the sake of being polite.

We have also adopted a culture of saying “i am fine” because honestly if we were to truly share our real heartfelt emotions no one will even be listening so why bother.

It has become apparent that the world doesn’t want you to feel anymore or experience any emotions at all. We are expected to get over it and keep it moving.

Keep moving to places were none of us truly matter and our state of mind is not of importance.

We are trapped in relationships and jobs that are driving us to our graves with every second ticking on the clock so is our sanity deteriorating. For we are keeping up standards set out by society for their own selfish reasons.

It is a surprise we are not Grammy award winning actors yet because we definitely can put up a show. A show we are barely rewarded for and at the end of the day we do not receive a mere pat on the back.

That 9 to 5 job that is not exploiting our skills but it is feeding off our mental health as well. I say this because these are places were we are pressurized and abused the most but we have to take it since emotions don’t pay bills.

We have to consider being able to put food on our tables first before we think about our own sanity.

It is imperative that we take time to ourselves and deal with our problems without feeling like we are betraying the world by thinking about ourselves.

It is okay to be selfish with how accessible you to certain individuals and places if they affect your mental health negatively.

It is okay not to be okay and to let the world know that you need to take time to work on yourself.

Because if you don’t take it upon yourself to do so then everyone else will assume that you are coping while you are breaking down and can’t pull yourself together.

My advice take time to deal head on with your problems away from the rest of the chaos. It may make some people mad but you will thank yourself later.

Some people may not like it but they’ll get over it and you would have done the best thing for yourself and your mental health.

Be selfish, less accessible and cautious of what you allow in your space.

I am sorry, forgive me.

A letter to me who is recovering from crippling anxiety.

Today I sit here with a pen and paper in my trembling hand, trying to fight back tears as I am about to apologize to you.

For everything I have put you through even when I knew it was difficult for you and you were too weak to handle. I am sorry, please forgive me…

For all those times I made you stay in spaces you were not wanted and valued.

Places where you were always judged and criticized for your mental health problems.

Please forgive me for allowing you to fall in love with people who are not sympathetic about your problems.

People who thought that you were being moody and had to stop being so attached when all you needed was somebody to hold your hand and tell you that your dark times will come to an end.

People who never thought twice before making snare remarks about how you look or how you behave when you were already feeling negative about yourself.

I am sorry, forgive me for making you believe that you were too weak and vulnerable to stand up for yourself even when you had to.

Forgive me for not giving you a chance to get better and live up to your maximum potential.

For everything I made you do when I was clueless.

For everything you had to endure before I met the strong you and got to learn about your power.

I am sorry, forgive me for I did not know better but now that i do… I promise to let you grow and fight every single battle that you couldn’t when you were weak.

I do not like it here

Pain in all sorts and forms felt at the core of my body in ways that I cannot explain to you.

Now that you know Leticia it is time that you met her in her purest form. With her shallow thoughts that make me to not stand the sight of myself in the mirror for all i see are the broken pieces of my soul carelessly put back together.

I never invited her into my life, i just woke up one day and Leticia decided that she is moving in to stay and be mine forever. I was chosen to be her worthy companion against my own free will.

My mind feels like a haunted house and these thoughts roaming around like ghosts of the night and I cannot make them stop not even with burning sage, they still scream out loud in rage.

I do not like it here because here i am scared and isolated.

Every day and every night i ask myself why? Why me? Why do i have to live like a prisoner of my own thoughts and have myself trapped by voices in my head.

Living a life of nights spent staring at clustered medicine cabinets looking for my next poison to kill the voices in my head or rather to silence them.

To silence the ones that tell me that I am not worthy to be loved. The ones telling me that people are going to leave me even when they are not. The ones that tell me that no one likes me because I am clingy,needy and demanding.

Just to put an end to them all.

I do not like it here because I am constantly trembling and shaking for no particular reason at all but i guess maybe there is snow falling in my head sending chills to the rest of my body and then suddenly it shivers enough to let off some heat and I start to sweat a lot.

I do not like it here because here i am a mess and I cannot face the world.

I cannot breathe for it feels squashed and crowded.

Here lives Leticia with her loud mouth and bossy attitude, she is driving me insane but every time I try to leave she blackmails me and I stay… 😢

More than labels.

Her body is perfect as if she was made from clay by a potter who is gentle and passionate about his craft.

Her smile lights any room she walks into.
Of course she is a little fat or maybe too skinny in your eyes but that is just what you choose to see because beyond that, yes beyond all the labels she is so much more.

She is a mess, a little crazy and sometimes too needy.
She may not have a face worthy of a magazine cover or the curves that you desire so much you that you think it is what makes her perfect .

She is unapologetically fierce and it bothers you so you choose to box her in and call her whatever tickles your fancy.

Your narrow mindedness allows you to see only her flaws not knowing that behind all these imperfections is a woman with footsteps as loud thunder and a heart as pure as gold.
She is more than the label that you put on her and she can be whatever the hell she wants to be.

With all of her flaws and the demons she is constantly battling with, she still stands.
Even though all you see is a broken pieces, flawed and ruined .

There is more to her than it meets the eye underneath the gloomy shadows.

You call her “Psycho” because her thoughts are more powerful than her mind can handle.

But I am here to tell you that SHE is more than just a label…SHE is a WOMAN and she is POWERFUL

The art of multi-tasking.

As a modern day young woman I have a 9 to 5 job,I run an NGO, I am full time blogger and I am pursuing my Bcom degree. Quite impressive right? I know.

You are probably thinking that sis has got this but let me be the one to say when it comes to doing multiple tasks all at once I have disappointed the female species a number of times.

Because as a woman this supposedly comes to you as second nature but not this girl. Well if you were to ask me how I am currently managing my daily life the answer will be I am not.

Before you call a bluff, hear me out for a moment. So here it goes : At the very beginning when I took it upon myself that I will work, serve the people and study. Yep! That was all me feeling like Captain Marvel, little did I know that in addition to all this I had to have a social and love life. There and then I knew I was really not cut out for this.

Trying to keep a routine and an organized plan just isn’t something in me. I am easily distracted and I just hate repitive patterns.

You know how some people eat and text at the same time? With me I’ll do more texting and forget that there’s food in front of me until my stomach reminds with that annoying growl and I respond at the back of my head “okay okay relax I get the point”

But nobody’s perfect so no pressure. When multi-tasking the general idea is to balance out what you are doing the same until I apply my 70:30 rule this is where 70% is what’s more important and urgent then the 30% is not the less important stuff but whatever else I pick along the way and just throw it in. So 4% of this 5% of that, you catch my drift?

I have gotten to learn lately that most of it is just caused by my anxiety and overthinking and that in fact I am not doing so bad.

The trick is to divide your tasks into small chunks and match what’s easy to do together and get to work. It’s easier to have your coffee and reply to a few texts or messages.

Work smart not hard really sums it up perfectly.

Let go of unnecessary baggage.


For a moment I want you to imagine that your mind is a room full of items that you don’t need anymore. And everyday you get rid of more items that go into this very room, undoubtedly there will be no room left for anything.

This is what happens to your mental health when you carry around pain, regret, hate and stress just to name a few.

You walk around hurdled carrying this tremendous load on your shoulders like the leaning tower of Pisa you are not emotionally balanced but you also are not collapsing either.

There is no room for positivity and good vibes as your meaning of survival is distorted. You are not leading a bad life and the world is not really against you, it’s the clutter within you that over shadows the last glimmer of happiness that cannot find room in the mess.

It’s time to let go and allow yourself to move forward and break free from the prison which you have created.

Before the jury even spoke you had already convicted and sentenced yourself to life.

The past won’t change no matter how hard or how much you worry about it, let it go. Regret doesn’t change the occurrence, so let it go.

The hate and anger you carry is deteriorating you, let go.

Allow yourself to be human and not bask in the glory of your failures. Choose yourself in any situation and refuse to be affected by negative energy from situations you cannot control.

Today when the dark thoughts creep in like a thief in the night, shut the door and lock the windows. Move into a safe space in your mind and choose to be happy.

Today when the dark thoughts creep in like a thief in the night, shut the door and lock the windows. Move into a safe space in your mind and choose to be happy.

Let go of things you cannot change and work on those that you can control.

Take it easy on yourself, you are nowhere near perfection but so is the rest of the human race.

UNMASKED

Mental health problem does not have a certain look, there are no physical signs that show when you suffer from it.

Most of the time before people get used to me, they assume that i am a bubbly and confident person and when they find out that i suffer from anxiety. They say things such as “I never would have thought that you have mental health problems, you look fine to me”.
How am i supposed to look like? Not only is the statement ignorant but offensive as well. What do you expect from me to carry my fears around on my forehead for your convenience?.
We are not looking for pity or special treatment when we disclose our mental issues but we need you to understand that what we are going through may result in a behavior that might come of as offensive and we need you to know it is not intentional.

How many times has a friend or a loved one told you to “snap out of it” when you were having a meltdown. If it was that simple we would not need to be told to do so, we would just do it.
This is not us throwing tantrums or seeking attention but us fighting demons stronger than our minds could comprehend. Nobody chooses to walk around feeling like they are not good enough or scared of things that will never happen and are only in their heads.
Therefore it is unfair for you to expect us to get over it or to look a certain way for you to understand that we are suffering from things bigger than ourselves.
I met a lady once doing charity work and we exchanged contacts to later get in touch. When we did get in touch, she was telling me how nice my personality is only for me to reign on her parade. I explained how I was scared and couldn’t breathe half of the time.
This discovery shocked her and she called me out thinking that it was all a lie, told her about my back story with “Leticia” and she later apologized for being to quick to judge me by my appearance.
“Things are not always what they seem”

I have always found that sarcasm and a good sense of humor makes a great “mask” for me. I hide my own insecurities by making people laugh then they will not see how much I doubt myself.
It gets exhausting having to put up a front around people so that they do not feel uncomfortable with me while I am way out of my comfort zone myself.
This is merely to meet people’s expectations of who i am supposed to be rather than them having to deal with the shaky, scared and nervous wreck that i truly am.
Next time you think about saying “who would’ve thought” to someone with mental health problems, DON’T. Avoid digging a much deeper and darker hole than the one we are already in.
Until next time my fellow anxiety fighter’s remember to breathe…

Distracted and derailed

Distracted and derailed.


Distracted and derailed,feeling the reigns slip through my hands. 

And I thought you were here to stay,please stay because with you at least I am still sane.


Sanity seems so foreign to me but it’s strength I am trying to regain…
for so long I thought things with you will never be the same, little did I know this time was all I had and it is all I needed to save from the memories captured and put in a frame.

Please i am begging you to stay, remember you are my saving grace and without you my heart is just an empty space. 
You said you will never leave but I guess that was also staged.

Distracted, derailed but most of all I feel betrayed by the one that got away.

My anger is always misplaced.