Well it has been ages since I updated this blog however I am very much alive and missed all of you.
First of all thank you so much for keeping this site alive by liking and following even in my absence, it means more than the world to me.
A lot has been going on since I left, where do we even start? Let us start by confirming that Leticia is still around with her sassy mouth and terrible attitude. I still get episodes of chronic anxiety attacks every other day but I am still fighting.
I have had a few amazing achievements that I would love to share as we keep updating the site but today I just wanted to reintroduce myself along with nemesis Leticia “my anxiety”. For a few months I thought I had everything under control and that I was in charge, because I do feel like a boss lady sometimes (only when Leticia allows it).
I was the girl who woke up with a smile on her face looking forward to a great day. A girl who was never stressed out about how she looks, or how she will survive traveling in a taxi to work. One who did not have to rehearse her speech in the head before she could actually utter the words “after robot”. A girl who was not bothered by passing a group of people or being in crowded spaces. A girl who had no fear of phone calls and was no where near being socially awkward and an emotional wreck.
To my surprise that girl left as fast as she came, literally at the blink of an eye. I was stable and happy not even on medication just truly relaxed and surviving but not when Leticia had something to do with it. A few weeks ago, I was seated by my desk at the office (a new job – junior management position) trying to make a call to an important client and all of a sudden…my hands were shaking and my heart was pounding on my throat. I was nervous to even pick up the telephone, I have spoken with this person before and in fact this was nothing new but I now felt like I was going to fumble and not know what to say. What if I am completely clueless and they pick it up, what if they can hear from my shaky voice that I did not know what I was talking about. There and then I knew she was back, Leticia was around the corner reminding me of how I was not good enough and I was listening, I was allowing her to mess with my head again.
By tthe time I finished that call an ambulance may as well have been waiting right besides me because I collapsed internally. I was back to a place of not knowing my worth or rather questioning it every second I get.
I did not understand why I was not other people and why I was so weak…Leticia is too overbearing and she rules.
Fast forward to last week where I broke down in tears in public and inside a taxi not knowing why I was even crying. My heart was heavy and Leticia kept going on and on in my head about all of the problems I have that I have no solutions to.
All of the things that are going wrong and how I didn’t know how to fix them. She was sitting at the back of my mind being mean probably with a grin on her face while I was grasping for air inside my lungs and trying to remind myself of how worthy I am.
How powerful and strong I am or was that not true like Leticia said. Today is a mid heavy day, I am physically sick and exhausted but also I feel like shutting myself in a dark room and bury my head with a pillow and just cry my heart out.
I do not feel like being around people or even speak to them but Leticia she is in a very chatty mood today.
I hope you are doing better than I am, if not I pray that you find the strength to carry on and we will try again tomorrow…
Love the relatable MissB
(surviving anxiety during a pandemic)