Anxiety

Overcoming body image issues.

BODY IMAGE

As I am about to step out of the house for my lunch date with my only girlfriend I open the closet to see what cute outfit is worthy of the occasion, Leticia rudely interrupts me as usual telling me that my favorite outfit makes me look FAT but this time instead of being disappointed and taking what she has to say to heart I take a look at myself in the mirror and gush at how beautiful I am. You see I have had a problem with my body image before because of Leticia (my anxiety) and also because of people around me, you know those harmless comments you make about someone’s weight? yeah those just refrain from commenting on that especially to people like myself who suffer from mental health issues.

I can count the times when I was told that I am too skinny by my family and friends that I need to put on some weight because It will be good for my image, this made me feel like there was something wrong with how I look and maybe I am not good enough to wear certain outfits as they require a little more meat which I did not have. When I did finally put on some weight I started getting the “OMG you are gaining weight what are you eating?” or “OMG you are gaining weight are you pregnant” remarks , now I am stuck here confused as to what exactly is expected of me. Honestly can you guys make up your minds how do you want me to look? How is about everyone just let me be? I just wanted to feel good about myself and just wear outfits that I love. Do you know how hard it is to feel pretty and actually be comfortable in your own skin when everyone else tells you otherwise and your mind is convincing you otherwise.

This led me to hate taking full pictures of myself because all I saw was flaws and all the reasons why the outfit looked wrong on me. It made me feel like everyone else can tell too although for a woman my age and height my body is just the right build and size. I used to be a size 32 and now I am a size 36. I have never been more comfortable with my body as I am now not even my anxiety can convince me otherwise if anything I have gained the confidence to strut my stuff. In a world that has made body shaming a norm I have decided to shut down the naysayers and focus on what is good for my mental health and self esteem.

STOP BODY SHAMING

It is heart breaking to see how people are okay with attacking others based on how they look and make fun of them, the issue of body image and weight is a very sensitive one because there are a lot of factors contributing to it. Sometimes it is beyond a person going to gym or eating right, other people put on or lose weight due to health reasons which are not in their control and they try hard to live with that and be okay with how they look without the pressure of everyone expecting them to look like they have just walked out of a magazine cover. We are tired of people telling us that we have to look a certain way or dress a particular way because of how our bodies look, according to who?

Since when do we have to ask for permission to look how we want? Who has made you in charge of body image affairs that makes you worthy of criticizing people. The world is already going through so much cruelty we will not add body shaming to the list of all the wrong that is in the world. The best way to start is to adopt the culture of “If you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all” , we need a whole lot of positive vibes and kindness to keep us sane during all the chaos that we are going through.

SELF CONFIDENCE IS KEY

It takes too much courage to overcome the lack of self-esteem and self confidence and if you are doing this or have done so keep it up, give yourself the credit you deserve because this is not a fight with only the negative comments but also a fight with part of yourself that needs more loving and nurturing. A part of you that is lost in a dark place trying to fight its way back to the surface to receive light and when it does you get a new sense of understanding of who you are and the importance of self love, being comfortable in your skin and completely in love with your flaws.

You need to understand that there is nothing wrong with you and know that it is okay not to feel so confident sometimes because we all have our mental days but what is not okay is being in that state of mind permanently. Gone are the days where we seek validation and approval from people about who we are, now we stand tall and ignore all the noise because we know we are worthy and that we are incredible with all our flaws. Work on your inner self and love yourself so much that no one can ever change your mind about how you see yourself it doesn’t matter if you are too skinny or too fat or out of shape your body is a work of art by the creator and deserves to be glorified.

I am proud of myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and being able to overcome my body image issues even through anxiety I have learnt to love myself all over again all it took was accepting things about myself that I thought I hated, things that made me different from everyone else. I realized that these are the things that I needed to love more as they are what makes me unique, they identify who I am from the rest of the pack. DIFFERENT is good in fact it is better, no one is like you and that is your superpower.

Be kind to yourself and be even more kind to other people because we are all going through things you know nothing about. Do not be the reason someone is locked up in misery because of something you said.

Announcement, Anxiety, creative writing

Storytime and a big reveal

Sorry I went AWOL

It has been a good few weeks since we last connected while I missed you all dearly, you will be much more understanding of the reason why much later in this entry so keep reading…

I wanted to give you a little back story first of where I was, where I have been and where I am right at this beautiful moment so around this time a year ago I had a normal 9 to 5 job while pursuing my degree in Financial Accounting Sciences as we all know juggling school plus work is an extreme exercise however for me, I was much more happier with my studying while work on the other hand was devastating to a point where by I thought about quitting a couple of times. I will forever be grateful for the opportunity I had to have that job because there are a lot of things I managed to do for myself while I was still there although I was unhappy and at the brink of my anxiety I was able to provide for myself.

I would drag myself out of bed every morning and look forward to knock off time when I have just arrived at the office. I cannot tell you how many times I actually used to go to the bathroom to cry and then pull myself together go back to my desk to serve the clients as if nothing had just happened, they say fake it until you make it right? I used to appreciate the weekend so much I didn’t want it to end this was the type of life I was living. A bubble full of heavy emotions ready to just burst but on days when I felt like not showing up I remembered why I was there and what I still need to achieve so I had no option but to keep going. The actual work was great, it was the environment, its culture and certain people who made the job unbearable. God bless my sister for always listening to me complain and vent every evening when I got home without actually getting tired of my pointless work drama, she was clued up on everything you would swear she worked there.

I really needed someone to share the load with and I had that in her also in my boyfriend, they knew my struggle and walked me through it. Fast forward to December when I lost the job and allow me to say that is the best thing that has happened to me, the relief I felt the first few weeks I was home were absolutely blissful even though there was a question of what I was going to do next now that I was without a job meaning I had no monthly income, it was about to be challenging but like I always tell my mom; God always provides because he promised that he will never forsake us. Things were tough but I do not remember a night where I went to bed hungry or when I have lacked the basic necessities for that I will be eternally grateful.

Earlier this year while I was doing my daily social media check in and updates I received an online business opportunity from one of my Instagram followers (A lovely lady she is) which needed no money for you to get started and i took advantage of it because I needed to have an income, it was hard at first but once I got my first customer more started to come for once I enjoyed the pleasure of being my own boss, working my own hours and setting my own pay. There are still a few things that I want to achieve in the business along with growing my team but so far the journey has been amazing this was all after I started this blog which has been doing very well all thanks to all of you. From being that miserable person with a 9 to 5 who was not happy with her job I became an independent and much more stable person. I also started my journey as a brand influencer which is a lot of work but is so much fun to do and it pays well also gets you amazing products to try out, it is more play than it is work but it is definitely a job therefore I treat it as such.

In the midst of all this and working on my anxiety, I am very happy and content with where i am right now. That brings me to the end of story time now moving on to the BIG REVEAL

I have been working on a project which is my first big one and I could not be more proud of myself. In the past few months or weeks that I have not been working on this platform regularly I have been writing a book which I am happy to announce that will be in store on the 31st of July 2020 (save the date). It is a non-fiction and semi fiction book titled ; She lives to conquer: Always fight to win and it is now available to pre-order on Amazon.

To find out more about the book you can visit my new website and to get updates about the release or future projects. So if you have been looking for a new read you just got one-you are welcome.

I will pop in more often to post but it might not be as often because I am still working hard for the bok release. I hope you are still staying safe and taking all necessary precautions for your health.

Thank you for always showing me love and support.

Lots of Love

Anxiety, Poetry

I am sorry, forgive me.

A letter to me who is recovering from crippling anxiety.

Today I sit here with a pen and paper in my trembling hand, trying to fight back tears as I am about to apologize to you.

For everything I have put you through even when I knew it was difficult for you and you were too weak to handle. I am sorry, please forgive me…

For all those times I made you stay in spaces you were not wanted and valued.

Places where you were always judged and criticized for your mental health problems.

Please forgive me for allowing you to fall in love with people who are not sympathetic about your problems.

People who thought that you were being moody and had to stop being so attached when all you needed was somebody to hold your hand and tell you that your dark times will come to an end.

People who never thought twice before making snare remarks about how you look or how you behave when you were already feeling negative about yourself.

I am sorry, forgive me for making you believe that you were too weak and vulnerable to stand up for yourself even when you had to.

Forgive me for not giving you a chance to get better and live up to your maximum potential.

For everything I made you do when I was clueless.

For everything you had to endure before I met the strong you and got to learn about your power.

I am sorry, forgive me for I did not know better but now that i do… I promise to let you grow and fight every single battle that you couldn’t when you were weak.

Anxiety

I do not like it here

Pain in all sorts and forms felt at the core of my body in ways that I cannot explain to you.

Now that you know Leticia it is time that you met her in her purest form. With her shallow thoughts that make me not stand the sight of myself in the mirror for all i see are the broken pieces of my soul carelessly put back together.

I never invited her into my life, i just woke up one day and Leticia decided that she is moving in to stay and be mine forever. I was chosen to be her worthy companion against my own free will.

My mind feels like a haunted house with these thoughts roaming around like ghosts of the night and I cannot make them stop not even with burning sage, they still scream out loud in rage.

I do not like it here because here i am scared and isolated.

Every day and every night i ask myself why? Why me? Why do i have to live like a prisoner of my own thoughts and have myself trapped by voices in my head.

Living a life of nights spent staring at clustered medicine cabinets looking for my next poison to kill the voices in my head or rather to silence them.

To silence the ones that tell me that I am not worthy to be loved. The ones telling me that people are going to leave me even when they are not. The ones that tell me that no one likes me because I am clingy,needy and demanding.

Just to put an end to them all.

I do not like it here because I am constantly trembling and shaking for no particular reasonĀ  but It feels as if there is snow falling from inside my head sending chills to the rest of my body and then suddenly it shivers enough to let off some heat and I start to sweat a lot.

I do not like it here because here i am a mess and I cannot face the world.

I cannot breathe for it feels squashed and crowded.

Here lives Leticia with her loud mouth and bossy attitude, she is driving me insane but every time I try to leave she blackmails me and I stay… šŸ˜¢